Bristol Trails Group: forest ride day, March 20

The HooF campaigners in the Forest of Dean are organising a national "come out and enjoy the forest" event today, March 20, where they want everyone to come out and do something in their local forest.

We can't discuss what we plan to do in the forest that night, except that our slogan "Fuck in the forest, not with the Forest" will come into play. Instead here are some pictures of the Bristol Trails Group's work. They plan to get out and get muddy.

Here is one of the trails, built by the cyclists themselves, in 50 Acre Wood, FC land.

And here's a bit in Ashton Court.

While we obviously don't condone such daytime activities, the trails can be good for discrete activities in darkness, and for us mobile vendors of sex accessories, the woodlands close to the city are quite profitable. Our new line is the "George Osborne" toy. It hurts, but while it hurts you in a squeaky voice it tells you it's for your own good.

Trouble in the Trees

Our coverage of forest sell off issues continues. Last week, how locking up the generally open forestry commission car parks will prevent us Bristolians from driving out of town to engage in casual sex with complete strangers.

This week, the mountain bikers join in. No, not with the casual sex with van drivers -they are too muddy and dress strange-  but with the sell off.

This time, it is the Bristol Trails Group, the people who build and maintain the MTB trails in Ashton Court, 50 acre wood, Leigh Woods and nearby, complaining that this will mean that most of the woods will be closed off to them. The problem is liability insurance, more than anything else. Who wants to pay for the insurance for letting bicycles in. Far more profitable to turn it over to private shooting facilities instead, for important people. This will ruin the plans to have a mountain bike centre near Bristol. While we obviously don't engage in any such actions ourselves, every MTB-er who cycles over to Ashton Court not only means one less car on the M4 heading to Wales, it provides entertainment for us in the city to see these people coming home again covered in mud.

We note the Conservative MP for the Forest of Dean will be appearing at a meeting in Coleford, at 7pm tonight. This sell off matters as much to Bristol as it does to the Forest of Dean, so attendance there may be fun.


We also note that there is a public consultation on the proposals, a consultation which invites feedback. And what is the address for feedback?

Forestry Commission England
620 Bristol Business Park
Coldharbour Lane
Bristol
BS16 1EJ

By our estimate, that is just over the Recognised Pedestrian Route from the UWE campus. If some ukuncut/no-to-tuition-fee-rises/no-to-forest-sell-off-event were to take place up there one weekday afternoon, it could be, well, entertaining.

Fun in the Forest

We're a bit concerned about government plans to privatise the forests. This is not because we have taken up mountain biking -even though we appreciate such activities do not get in our way, we fear that they encourage the riders to get fit during the week by commuting.


We're slightly worried that even our papers, like the Daily Telegraph, are expressing doubts. But frankly we don't care that much about dog walking, horse riding or other daytime leisure activities.
 
Some people may think we would be in favour of cutting down the trees, putting in more shopping malls, new suburbs. Motorways. But remember, we are part of a big society that uses those forests for night time activities too.

Who hasn't nipped up the M4, over the old bridge and up to the Forest of Dean, pulled in one of the laybys and had an intimate encounter with a complete stranger from time to time? It doesn't matter about your sexual preferences, it's classless: MP, priest, van driver, housewife, TV presenter of football or car shows -it's all the same in the dark. Anonymous entertainment, with only the bridge tax to stop us doing more than three or four times a week.


And with our van being a roaming retail outlet for the city's sex life's accessories, those trips can a big business for us. Selling safe sex accessories in the 'dean can be a nice little earner -some of those TV presenters have been round the block a few times, and you need all the protection we can sell you.

The proposals to sell of the country's forest to the highest bidder will interfere with small businesses all round the country. 

There's a national campaign against this organising a petition; everyone should sign. There's also a local group, Hands off our Forest, working for the Forest of Dean itself.

These people have been very active, and have this lovely quote from their conservative MP Mark Harper on Jan 3 2011:

there are not and never have been any plans to sell off the Forest of Dean to developers who would cut down the Forest to replace it with recreation parks.

This is beautiful. If they say, sell off half the forest to developers who cut it down and replace it with recreation parks, the MP was being honest. If they say, sell of the entire forest, cut it down and replace it with suburban housing estates, the MP can say they were speaking truthfully. And if if they do sell of the entire forest and have it cut down and replaced with recreation parks, provided the documentation shows the planning didn't begin until Jan 4, then again, he was telling the truth at the time.

For some reason it reminds of Bill Clinton's "technically we did not have sex" claims, or Tony Blairs' "The legal opinion was that we didn't need a second resolution". A statement which, from a legal perspective is honest, but means something entirely different at the time. We'll have to remember something similar the next time one of the team's drivers is caught in a compromising situation with a local MP up near the Forest of Dean.




This is why we not only support the Hood campaing, we propose a new slogan for the campaign " Fuck in the forest, not with the forest"